my time here...

I've come to recognize something about myself. I think WAY too much. My time here has been spent through nothing. I haven't looked much in my bible except to find answers that i was only searching for out of hurt and hate for reasons i can't even explain. My body hurts from running away. My brain hurts from crashing into walls that hold no clean water for my parched throat.

I started school about a week or two ago. Its different. Smokers stand outside the front door, cussing their lives away, cursing the teachers that sent their grades sailing down waterfalls only to hit the rocks of Community College. I walk inside and people are drinking coffee, on their laptops, finishing last minute homework before class starts. I sit in a classroom with a bunch of strangers, silent and small, as the teacher explains the ethics of politicians and philosophers like aristotle, john locke and hobbes.

I was asked to write a response paper to some questions for my political science class;

Q: What is one big dream you have for the world? Think VERY big.
A: I’ve come to recognize the complications of this question heavily, as I have been thinking in circles about it for days. There are many things that I would love to see happen, that may not be the best thing for everyone. Without war, humans wouldn’t be human, but rather immoral and without a sense of hope. It seems to me that on a psychological level, humans as a whole are born into the world fighting a battle for their lives. We are constantly feeling in threat even by our neighbors. This is why I have come to a conclusion that the only thing that would make this world a better place to live for now, is to fight a spiritual war, versus a psychological one. This will sound crazy to most unwilling to trust, but I’ve considered, experienced and understand the possibility that humans don’t always agree psychologically, but rather spiritually all have one thing that we are searching for: A helpmate, a relationship, a desire for a life and love that will never fail us. So, as long as this answer may be, one big dream that I have for this world and the people in it, is the restoration of the mind of humanity itself.

Q: What is a political problem connected to that dream that you would like to help work toward resolving in your lifetime?
A: The human pride. In many cases in Politics, I have specifically appealed to religiously biased, standpoints. As a firm believer in God, I find that the number of believers who mix their pride with their religion overwhelming. Too many today try to enforce their needs and wants with scriptural versus that only provide comfort for their pride. What is true freedom without the lack of pride we find in God? Without pride, we are free from the destruction of even ourselves.


(these questions were only supposed to be answered in one to two sentences.)

i have to admit.... i've been a bit depressed. i've heard the possibility that god may not be in control...and what scares me most is that i might actual be the captain. THAT SUCKS. i know im not capable of leading my own life. i'm sure to send it flailing out of control into a mess of myself, wrecking towns before me. i talked to my dad about this...crying, hoping that this possibility was false. Most of me wanted to give up, i wanted to hate god, i wanted to screw everything over and run away. I wanted to die. My dad explained it all pretty good, that he didnt know either and that he had gone through this too. He said that some people think God planned for eve to eat the apple, and some think otherwise (thusly, God is not in control. *is thusly even a word?)
But even as he explained that he didnt have the answer, it was comforting to know that he wasnt searching for it..... like i was. He said, "whats the worse that could happen?... we could die? we could get raped, murdered, robbed? But in the end, there is still heaven."

Im not going to lie at all. Im trying to be completely upfront and honest with you, sharing my every thought in a brief summary on this blog. I'm still struggling with this. I have faith, that even if God isnt in control, he has given us the power to change. He has given us authority to overcome. He has given us power to make right choices.... while forgiving us after every step we do wrong.
idk what else to say. there will probably be more...

GOD,
i love you. i love you. i love you. and thats all i have words for. you are beyond amazing...and amazing doesnt even seem the right word to use, probably because its not, and there is no human word to describe your wonder. you love my troubled mind. thankyou. thankyou. i love you. i have faith. i have hope in you. all of everything is in you. i love you.