his name is adam.

reading the thoughts of Donald Miller in one of his books, has really lead me to amazement today.

The story of Adam and Eve.

Adam was doing god's work, naming ALL the animals; all the fish, the mammals, EVERYTHING!
it must have taken him centuries.... and all the while searching for a helpmate, never finding the right match. through FREE conversation with god, spending all his time with him, naming the animals together...
i imagine that the day that God created Eve must have been a glorious day!
Adam cherished her, he was soooo greatful for her because he had waited for his perfect match and helpmate from God. He must have taken a long walk with God and thanked him for the beautiful person he had placed in his life.

through all the waiting, all the struggles and travels of adam to do god's work, lead him to his greatest gift!

but adam took his love foregranted. Adam didn't realize that God was first, and with him before there was eve. HE CREATED EVE. the very greatest gift to him was given by God himself!

Father, thankyou for every gift i have!
i still can't believe that you love me so much... you are my first love. and i want to keep it that way.
thank you for dreams :]
thank you for being with me through the hardships and all the "swearing" i did at you, all the distrust in you... i never want to say again that i don't trust you.

forgive me. i'm starting to see...
i love you first God. i will praise you with this life.. this gift.
i want to do your work

beyond words.

there is a love that goes beyond words of description. when paragraphs dont require punctuation of capitalization smart words or dumb words. where one can say that they have loved their entire exhistance and never seen a day to feel it... until the steady beeping monitor flatlines.

i have loved you my entire life. i've dreamt about you. i've spoken to you. i've held your hand and know its every freckle. i've drinken every tear from your eye, inhaled your breath, and breathed life into you. i dream of the second you realize your beauty.


to my one and only,

when we are married... i can honestly say that i have loved you my whole life. that i have dreamt of the day our children come into our lives. the days we realize our triumph, the days we spend wallowing in our disgrace. i've dreamt of sleeping next to you for the rest of my life, even if one of us may snore. i promise to love you through your annoying habits, as i know you will love me through my constant complaining and worrying. i can't wait to pray, worship, and speak out with you... to take thousands of pictures and none the same faces. i can't wait to travel with you, and to stay home with you. to battle money issues, to battle disagreements on how to raise children. youll let me paint our walls red, and i will let you hold the remote control. we will worship god with our lives. i don't know what is going to happen, or what has happened. and i feel so far away from you. i beg of you... please worship god. invest your intire heart in him...
meet me there. i love you. i love you

my time here...

I've come to recognize something about myself. I think WAY too much. My time here has been spent through nothing. I haven't looked much in my bible except to find answers that i was only searching for out of hurt and hate for reasons i can't even explain. My body hurts from running away. My brain hurts from crashing into walls that hold no clean water for my parched throat.

I started school about a week or two ago. Its different. Smokers stand outside the front door, cussing their lives away, cursing the teachers that sent their grades sailing down waterfalls only to hit the rocks of Community College. I walk inside and people are drinking coffee, on their laptops, finishing last minute homework before class starts. I sit in a classroom with a bunch of strangers, silent and small, as the teacher explains the ethics of politicians and philosophers like aristotle, john locke and hobbes.

I was asked to write a response paper to some questions for my political science class;

Q: What is one big dream you have for the world? Think VERY big.
A: I’ve come to recognize the complications of this question heavily, as I have been thinking in circles about it for days. There are many things that I would love to see happen, that may not be the best thing for everyone. Without war, humans wouldn’t be human, but rather immoral and without a sense of hope. It seems to me that on a psychological level, humans as a whole are born into the world fighting a battle for their lives. We are constantly feeling in threat even by our neighbors. This is why I have come to a conclusion that the only thing that would make this world a better place to live for now, is to fight a spiritual war, versus a psychological one. This will sound crazy to most unwilling to trust, but I’ve considered, experienced and understand the possibility that humans don’t always agree psychologically, but rather spiritually all have one thing that we are searching for: A helpmate, a relationship, a desire for a life and love that will never fail us. So, as long as this answer may be, one big dream that I have for this world and the people in it, is the restoration of the mind of humanity itself.

Q: What is a political problem connected to that dream that you would like to help work toward resolving in your lifetime?
A: The human pride. In many cases in Politics, I have specifically appealed to religiously biased, standpoints. As a firm believer in God, I find that the number of believers who mix their pride with their religion overwhelming. Too many today try to enforce their needs and wants with scriptural versus that only provide comfort for their pride. What is true freedom without the lack of pride we find in God? Without pride, we are free from the destruction of even ourselves.


(these questions were only supposed to be answered in one to two sentences.)

i have to admit.... i've been a bit depressed. i've heard the possibility that god may not be in control...and what scares me most is that i might actual be the captain. THAT SUCKS. i know im not capable of leading my own life. i'm sure to send it flailing out of control into a mess of myself, wrecking towns before me. i talked to my dad about this...crying, hoping that this possibility was false. Most of me wanted to give up, i wanted to hate god, i wanted to screw everything over and run away. I wanted to die. My dad explained it all pretty good, that he didnt know either and that he had gone through this too. He said that some people think God planned for eve to eat the apple, and some think otherwise (thusly, God is not in control. *is thusly even a word?)
But even as he explained that he didnt have the answer, it was comforting to know that he wasnt searching for it..... like i was. He said, "whats the worse that could happen?... we could die? we could get raped, murdered, robbed? But in the end, there is still heaven."

Im not going to lie at all. Im trying to be completely upfront and honest with you, sharing my every thought in a brief summary on this blog. I'm still struggling with this. I have faith, that even if God isnt in control, he has given us the power to change. He has given us authority to overcome. He has given us power to make right choices.... while forgiving us after every step we do wrong.
idk what else to say. there will probably be more...

GOD,
i love you. i love you. i love you. and thats all i have words for. you are beyond amazing...and amazing doesnt even seem the right word to use, probably because its not, and there is no human word to describe your wonder. you love my troubled mind. thankyou. thankyou. i love you. i have faith. i have hope in you. all of everything is in you. i love you.

remember...

my sister took this picture. i love it :]

it reminds me of god. i can imagine his massive wings holding me when im troubled, blocking the rain, the hail...taking all of the cold and blister from my back. covering me from all harm...taking my stripes. signing my pink slips as his own.

2/14/08: dont be afraid of this kali. i have plans to prosper you. i have given you lemons. what are you going to do with them? i have chosen you. i have mounted you up on wings...i have made you a bird. experience pure air kali. pure eyes, pure protection...you are built for flight. the windier it gets, the higher you fly...you are effortless. kali, you cannot win an argument with me... :] i know you too well.

...when we grow tired or discouraged in life, we always have a choice. we can either become depressed and unhappy or we can rest in god and wait for him to make his way clear. if we wait for god, as isaiah urges, we will find that god is the source of renewed power and strength. his strength becomes ours as we learn to wait on him... --The rock bible, on "waiting."

but those who wait on the lord will find new strength. they will fly high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. - isaiah 40:31

epiphanal randomness

i had a conversation last night...it was a pretty good one i guess. meant a lot to me..
i didn't ask anyone to post this here, but i will give Aaron Wagner credit for his thoughts.

Aaron- I've learned something.
me- whats that?
Aaron- if you are a cynic, you will find something to be cynical about in everything. if you are optimistic you will find the joy in everything. in life you will seek out what you are in everything...who you are and what you're about is what you will find...
me- right now it feels like being optimistic will hurt. but being a cynic hurts already...i don't ever know what to be... so i go straight to the one that i feel wont hurt as much.
Aaron- so that makes you unsure.
me- whats does?
Aaron- your views
me- being unsure makes me unsure...
Aaron- yes...
me- not having answers makes me unsure... i get frustrated and more angry... and that's where doubt comes from
Aaron- so you find reasons to be fearful
me- it goes full circle. I'm tired of being scared. I'm trying to escape that
Aaron- ya...i know...
me- everything is so complicated... i wanna be able to say that one day everything will make sense. that's the root of everything right now... all feelings. just to be able to say that something makes sense would mean so much.
Aaron- i think it gets worse :)
me- that was so oxymoronic... haha [i think it gets worse...with a smile] haha
Aaron- did you know that the word spiritual doesn't exist in Hebrew?
me- no...i don't speak Hebrew. ha.
Aaron- i think that's brilliant. do you know what that means then?!?!
me- what?!
Aaron- it means that in Jesus' time and in his life if someone would've asked "hey man, how's your spiritual life?" he would've had no clue what they were talking about! :) :) cuz to say that some parts of life are spiritual and some aren't is incorrect!!! everything is spiritual!!! the issue isn't whether you're spiritual or not it's whether your eyes are open to it. it's the make up to being a human being. relationships, money, words, everything...every act is a spiritual act and the first Christians latched on to that idea when they said that in word and deed we need to serve Christ... everything has eternal ramifications...

history channel.

On neptune, wind speeds can get up to 1000mph. I was watching the history channel this morning. Various scientists were talking about the history of the greatest storms in the UNIVERSE...literally. They talked about these storms in relation to catastrophes here on earth. They spoke of hurricanes twice the size of earth, battery acid rain, methane rain, storms that are lasting through centuries. The show prior to this talk of the universal storms, scientists were talking about meteors hitting the earth. They had found miraculous evidence of impact meteors, which are meteors that turn to gas before they hit the earths surface, but because of great forces and speeds, the gases actually hit the earth leaving a huge impression many times the size of the actual meteor. Some scientists believe that these meteors can not only destroy the earth and life on it, but also bring new life.

i sat on my bed in awe of not only what they were saying, but the picture on my tv screen. i was watching the history channel in HD, but thats beside the point. Everything about the earth is so huge and overwhelming!! we have no control over anything that happens, and all we can do if there is a meteor coming straight for us, is pray that our computers detect it intime for our defensive mechanism to shoot at it to knock it off its course.

Scientists used to believe that higher wind speeds resulted from the more percentage of sunlight a planet was getting. but, this case was proven wrong by neptune, which gets only 1% of the sunlight that earth does. Neptune is freezing cold, dark with amazing wind speeds, and terrifying storms. But it is one of the most beautiful planets i saw on my HD tv screen.

And out of my philisophical mindset came a metaphor for life from this planet called neptune. :]

There are winds, where its dark OR light, but because of the friction we experience, the winds are reduced. friction is good.

God created the earth with trees and mountains that reduce the speed of winds. He placed this beauty all around us which is evidence of gods existence and majesty through his creation alone. [paul argues this in romans]

Furthermore, paul suggests that there is a sense of moral right and wrong, good and evil, in every person, and that this sense is part of the image of god stamped onto our hearts and minds. God created us, and he reveals himself to us through nature and through our moral conscience, yet many of us still refuse to acknowledge or obey him as god. therefore, paul says, those who do so are without excuse. Here is where minds are dark, and most confused.

It is in the sun that we see clearly. In the dark things will not grow that block the winds from gaining speed around. In the sun, There may be friction, but its that very friction that slows the winds and brings new life. It is most beautiful the calm after the storm.