6/10/08: god gave me a vision. it was of the love that he had for all of his children. almost frustratingly unexplainable. "my love is like a river." he said. "what do rivers do kali?" "they flow," i replied. "yes, and they wash away the old, and shift the sand," he told me. And like the greatest epiphany of my life i was overwhelmed by his love. I had been told so many times that god's love is like a river, a stream, his "love water" if you will. But, it never really dawned on me just what that meant. i always imagined his love in colors, beautiful colors that float like the screensaver on my computer, pooring into the hearts of people. touching them in a way that only he could, making them burst from the inside and spill out from them. it might be hard for you to picture, but its even harder for me to type here what has been going through my mind of this vision of love i have had all along. well, this time i got the same vision, only it was flowing out from the broken heart, gushing actually, and flowing into the hearts and over the heads of people who are hurting. It was the most beautiful sight. And as each person ignited with this colorful water, their arms would spread, and they would reach and touch two other people. I just sat there watching all of this happen. I got so excited i had to tell someone. i prayed more with emily shook [my youth mommy] and some other girls in slt. we all prayed for this love water to seep into the seeds planted and grow them into flowers. we got visions of dams bursting and the water destroying all of the past and bring new life. god is amazing

6/21/08: its 3:10 in the morning. i was watching a program on tv, where big strong men who are oddly sensative, and sweaty, with the power to break through ten slabs of concrete talk about jesus and his amazing power. one man in particular told a story of a boy in the sixth grade with down syndrome. it was nearly easter and the teacher asked the children to go outside and find something that represented life and place it in a plastic easter egg. most set off to find bullfrogs, butterflies, worms, four leaf clovers...
but the boy sat there puzzled. and as the other children were laughing and pointing at how "not smart" he was, they all eventually filled their eggs and set them on the teachers desk. later that day the teacher began to open up the eggs. the children laughed as their creatures suprised the teacher, falling into her lap. but there was one egg with a much greater suprise inside. nothing. "whos egg is this?" she asked. and in the back of the room the boy raised his hand, as the children mocked him in his suspected stupidity. "why didnt you fill your egg?" the teacher asked. "but i did," the boy replied. "the tomb was empty."
The empty tomb was a representation of life. It indicated that Jesus had risen from the dead! It's a miracle that's even better than the return of life in spring

6/25/08: its just you and me
and i cant believe how hard
it is saying goodbye,
pictures of us just arent enough
to capture the time of our lives
its all changing everything feels
like its slipping away
dont let go hold all the memories inside
dont let go keep every second alive
just close your eyes ill be right by your side
and youll know your never alone
just hold on and dont let go
its not the end of the line
the tears on my face are dying to say
that ill never leave you behind
dont let go hold all the memories inside
dont let go keep every second alive
just close your eyes ill be right by your side
and youll know your never alone
just hold on and dont let go
hold on to know that your my best friend
youve always been there
hold on to know that when the road starts to bend
ill always be there
dont let go hold all the memories inside
dont let go keep every second alive
just close your eyes ill be right by your side
and youll know your never alone
just hold on and dont let go
please dont let go.
--joy williams.

7/21/08: desperation was AMAZING! and god is AWESOME! i love him with my life! i will never be the same. david perkins had a vision of a generation living completely SOUL-D out, and desperate for christ. Desperate for a revival and revolution.
We just happen to live in the most perverted and sinful generations, and it will probably only get worse.I'm so tired of living with secrets and not giving every moment of my life to the one who gave everything about his...to me. My impurities, my sins, and taking away my authority over anything i will have to overcome. Im ready now. i want to share my life.

8/19/08: i dont have much time...and i mean that in the most literal way because the boys are getting antsy and its almost lunchtime. i've realized something...
i'm not sure what it is yet...but its something huge. this is something that i cant even put into words or writing. its odd for me not to be able to write down what i feel. well...since i have been here i've come upon the meaning of love. what it is anymore. i've gone so deep into it that nothing makes sense anymore and i'm left here just sitting in awe of it all. my mouth dry and open wide in shock. thats all i can say right now...thats all i can type. but something...something huge has been occuring all around us, and i've only begun to recognize its presence. its constant. i've forgotten who i am...and its a good thing

8/20/08: christ said that our strength becomes his as we wait on him. i'm waiting for words.

8/21/08: i can grow out my hair. i can brush my teeth until my gums are raw and i can change my shoes two hundred times until i finally decide that no matter what i do i still look like...me. and thats when i look at myself in shame, accusing my maker of making something intolerably ugly. what is it that tells me i must become someone different to meet your approval? i need to be me. and thats good enough. i can find it